Trials make us stronger, that's what they say. If that's the case, I am getting stronger day by day! Since I had Audrey, the thought of "when do I need to start trying for another kid?" has always been in the back of my head. Deep down I have thought that maybe that's all my body needed was to be shown how to get pregnant and it would be much easier the next time around, not the case. I have once again been off of birth control well, since Audrey was 6 months old. She will be 20 months in a couple of days, you do the math. I have already done artificial 3 times and it just doesn't want to work. Bryce informed me today that we should probably hold off for a few months before we do another procedure so that we can save up some money, which quite honestly, brought me to tears. I thought, isn't it enough that it's near impossible to get pregnant, now we have to stop so that we can save up some money? He is right though, it is costing us between $600-$800 a month out of pocket between the ultrasounds, medications and artificial. It truly breaks my heart to stop trying for the next 3 months, I feel like in a way I'm giving up or have failed a wishful thought or dream.
It hit me a few days ago that I always say, "it will happen when it's supposed to, it's just not the time". I have always applied the "it's not time" to me personally, that I wasn't ready or that it was some trial for me. My thought the other day was, well maybe it's not even about me, maybe this son or daughter of mine that is waiting to come down isn't supposed to be here yet. They are being saved for a specific time on this earth to do something great and it just isn't now. I find peace in that thought. I truly do have faith in Him and in His plan, but I have to be honest, sometimes the plan sucks. I just have to roll with it, throw my hands in the air and remember it's not always about me!